Conceal, don’t feel.

As I said goodbyes to friends in Japan before hopping on the airport shuttle bus, I felt rather numb. It felt somewhat familiar. I’ve done this before. Saying goodbyes, saying hellos, saying sorrys, saying thank yous. I’ve done this many times before. I smile and say, catch you later. But when would that be? Would that day ever come?

I got back to my home in Ottawa from Tokyo on December 30, at midnight. When I saw my mom at the airport, again, I felt rather numb. It, again, felt familiar. I’ve done this before too. Just off the plane, tired but not quite exhausted, waiting for my luggage. I noticed how warmly dressed my mom was. I noticed how we spotted each other almost at the same time. I noticed that she was smiling at me sweetly.

I put on a smile to reassure mom how well I’m doing. I hug her. I say, hey I’m back, with as much ease as I can manage.

I left Ottawa on the morning of January 2. As I type this, I’m sitting in my new room in Waterloo. My suitcases are still unopened, scattered across the floor. I am dead tired. But I don’t want to go to sleep.

I want to take some time to look back.

I feel like I didn’t even have time to miss anything, anyone, anywhere. But I do. I miss it all.

I miss Japan. I miss the bustling streets, night lights, and the adrenaline in the air. I miss having friends whom I can learn random, weird things from all the time. I even miss the anonymity and freedom of being surrounded by so many fucking people.

I miss home, too. I miss having breakfast on the table when I get up in the morning. I miss being spoiled in the quiet, Chinese, way of my mom’s. I miss having close friends who can provide a hug that’s both heartfelt and easy — a hug that only friends who know me well can provide.

I already miss it all, and I know it will get worse unless I distract myself. And distract myself I will.

I will try to make myself busy, restless, and strong so that I can forget about my yearnings and vulnerabilities. Maybe it will work. And maybe it will not.

For the moment, I still miss it all.