Bias for action
At work, and in personal relationships
I’ve talked to many people about bias for action in a professional context.
At work, I’m not someone who can sit still when there are actions that can be taken. When nobody else wants to move into discomfort, I tend to go a little “rogue” and take things into my own hands. Even if the action is imperfect, I try to do something. The something doesn’t matter as much as the doing.
For the most part, this bias for action has served me well — both in my career and the businesses I’ve worked for. (Note: I was not always this way. But that’s a story for another time.)
I’m looking to translate it into the rest of my life, particularly my personal relationships.
I’ve always had challenges with forming close friendships. I have a hard time fitting into boxes and I’m never any good at pretending to belong. So when I did make friends, I’ve come to treasure the few that I had.
But my challenge doesn’t stop at forming friendships; it extends to maintaining them too:
Sometimes, I literally forget that I have friends. Usually, this is because I’ve been consumed by a hyperfocus in my life — a traumatic event, a loss, a love, a shiny new goal, a rabbit hole. A fire that is hungry for all of my attention. And then, when I finally put out the fire, I feel too ashamed to admit that I’ve been an absent friend. So I pretend like everything was cool, while the shame burns me quietly like embers that can’t be smothered.
In some past relationships, boundaries have been crossed unintentionally and have caused unnecessary complications. As a result, I sometimes overthink about protecting my space and providing space to others. Space that we may or may not need. Space that may or may not be healthy. Space that is based on nothing but assumptions.
Lastly, I’ve had some rough patches where I often didn’t feel good enough to be around others — happy enough, mainly. I feared that I wouldn’t be accepted if I was not a source of positivity. So I don’t reach out. And when others reach out to me, I make lame excuses to not show up.
All of that led me to take a bit of a backseat in my friendships. Passive.
Nearly a year ago, I had a small but interesting conversation with my grandma.
My grandma told me that she’s lost touch with most of her friends because as they went through life, neither she nor her friends were proactive about meeting up and catching up. And so, with time, all these relationships faded.
She said with a sigh, “In any friend group or friendship, there needs to be at least one person that reaches out.”
It was sad to hear her voice, so full of resignation and regret. As if it can’t be helped. And maybe it is indeed too late for my grandma now, to pick up the pieces of whatever connections remain.
But it’s far from too late for me.
So, maybe I could be that person. The one with a bias for action rather than lamenting about the lack of actions taken. The one inviting others for moments of connection.
The one that does something, even if it’s imperfect. The something doesn’t matter as much as the doing.
The one that reaches out.